I Love You Birthday Boy from the Birthday Mommy!

This morning a little boy wriggled up onto my lap and snuggled in.  "I love you Birthday Boy," I said to him.  He replied "I love you more birthday mommy."  Yes, I am the birthday Mommy!  Three years ago today at 8:36 p.m. I gave birth to this tiny blessing we named Gracen.  God used his pregnancy and birth to teach us that children are a blessing and although he was not a part of our plans he was a part of God's. He reminds us to never second guess what God has in store for us and we cannot even begin to imagine our lives without him.  Gracen's name represents God's grace throughout our family journey.
I always say Gracen will make a wonderful husband some day,  if I ever let him leave home that is.  He tells me how much he loves me many times throughout the day and is quickly at my side when I need a helper.  He loves all of his brothers and sisters too and doesn't hesitate to tell them so.  He was a happy baby and is a happy kid.

Gracen LOVES tractors and Uncle Chris, who just happens to be a Combine Mechanic, invited us to visit him at work.  He got to see tractors and combines being worked on and enjoyed seeing the big tools and taking in the noises and activity of the shop.  He got to sit in tractors and even "drove" a big combine with uncle Chris.  It was the perfect day!!

Just look at that smile.  Payton on the other hand looks a bit uneasy about his little brother being behind the wheel!  Thank you to Uncle Chris for a Birthday he will never forget!

Oh...one other great thing about Gracen...he still thinks we hung the moon!  

Happy Birthday my Beautiful Boy!!

Children are a heritage from the Lord,
    offspring a reward from him.
 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
    are children born in one’s youth.
 Blessed is the man
    whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
    when they contend with their opponents in court.

Psalm 127:3-5

"Gotcha Day"

May 15 commemorates in our family what some families refer to as "Gotcha Day", the day that we "got" Conner and Nevaeh.    You can read about the story of that day here.  I am not at all fond of the term "Gotcha Day."  It feels like in some way we are saying we won.  Nobody won.  The truth is one mama is left with empty arms and a broken heart, one child is left aching for his mama, another so young she will never know her but will always wonder, and two parents who "gotcha" are left to pick up the pieces of broken lives.  I will be the first to tell you that adoption is not an easy journey for the adoptive parent or the adopted child.  When the camera is gone and the doors are closed the picture is not so perfect and often the tears flow.  The tears of a child longing to return home, no matter how dysfunctional or dangerous.   The tears of an intense battle in our child's minds between loyalty for what was and what is now and learning to come to terms with both.  The tears of a mom who doesn't know how to help her child, stirring up deep feelings of inadequacy as a parent and as a person.  Good moms protect their children from pain and heartache right?  It is so different when you have walked through fire with your child rather than having met them on the other side.  Somehow it seems that we have arrived to the fire too late...after they have already been burned,  just in time for the huge and painful job of healing to begin.  At the same time we know that had they never walked through that fire and faced that trauma, we never would have known them.  We would never wish this pain on any child but we are so blessed to have them.  With older children, the pain is more immediately obvious.  For the little ones, it comes later and sometimes in different ways but other mamas assure me it comes.

So when do we cross over from deep trauma to true joy?  I am reminded of the second half of Psalms 30:5 "Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."   But when will morning come?  We know that it is so different for each child, and for some, peace never comes while they are on this earth.  Revelation 21:4 tells us that when we reach our Heavenly Home peace and healing will come and God will wipe away our tears.  Some adoptive families say the scale slowly tips after children have been out of the trauma for more years than they have been in it.  Everyone agrees there is no magic formula or time frame for healing.  Some days it takes all of us.  Some days it takes all of them.  Some days it takes more than any of us have and we all fall apart.  Yes...we ALL fall apart.  We hide it well don't we?  There are days, even weeks, and months when we see the dawn of the morning.  Then as quietly as it came, it slips away and we are reminded that we live in a fallen world and that it is not and never will be as it should be.  So for now we will take those glimpses of a beautiful sunrise and be thankful.  Thankful for the healing, thankful for the mama who gave birth to them so that we could have them in our lives and in our family, thankful that they have the chance to know Jesus, and thankful for the journey that God has used and is using to profoundly change us as people and as a family.  So we will celebrate adoption day quietly and carefully, knowing that the same trauma that hurt them brought them to us.

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

I have been promising to post some of my favorite adoption resources for a long time...so here they are! 

*That We Might Be Adopted has a great list of resources.  The website is aimed at international adoption but I have found many of their links very helpful even though we adopted through the foster care system within the U.S.

*The Chuppies is a blog I love to follow.  Be ready to cry when you read their story about adoption and be ready to laugh as you read about her kids and their antics.

*Beyond Trauma and Attachment is a very raw and real picture of adoption.  These mamas honestly share their struggles and triumphs.  This link will take you to one of my favorite blog posts, Loving Fiercely. 

*One Thankful Mom is my favorite adoption blog.  Lisa Qualls is very honest about her adoption experiences and I often can relate to her posts.

Happy Birthday Bean Le Bean the Birthday Queen!

Three Years, 8 months, and 16 days ago today we were handed this tiny bundle of joy.  At that time we did not know what the future held or how long we would hold her in our arms.  Today we celebrate her fourth birthday and are proud to be her mom and dad.  She has bloomed into a beautiful little lady that has captured our hearts and those of everyone she meets.  Her smile and flare for drama are contagious and not a day goes by when she doesn't have us all cracking up over something she does or says.

A little known fact about Vaeh is that her favorite animal is a buffalo.  Yes a buffalo.  She is posing at the zoo in front of them but they are way in the back of their pen lounging in the sun.

Vaeh LOVES cake.  She declared that for her birthday supper she wanted cake and cheese puffs.  Luckily later she added in chicken nuggets and mac and cheese to give the meal more substance (or something like that).

Each year on each of the kids' birthdays we take a picture with just mom and dad.

She has always had amazing balance and rides her siblings scooters like a pro.  For her birthday she got a tricked out hot pink razor scooter with tassels and a bell.  To top it off, a pink bike helmet complete with a tiara and jewel accessories.  She was pleased!

Happy Birthday to our very special Bean Le Bean, the Birthday Queen!!

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

Happy Eleventh Birthday Payton

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAYTON!!

 Tonight at 8:25p.m. my Payton turned eleven.  Even though he is child number two of six, he will always be my baby.  For many years he was my youngest.  I cherish our long conversations that we have shared over the years, almost since he has been able to talk.  He is a young man of many thoughts and many words and he wears his heart on his sleeve.  He certainly makes it clear that he loves his mama and I couldn't be more blessed than to be able to spend my days with him. 

 Payton adores his baby brothers, almost as much as they adore him.  Gracen is his buddy, at his side constantly, and Payton takes it in stride, teaching him everything he knows.

Happy Birthday Payton!  We love you and hope you had a wonderful day!

Highlights From A Year in the Life of Homeschooling

They say there is a three year learning curve to homeschooling.  Despite a pregnancy the first year and a new baby the next, we are finding our groove and figuring out this lifestyle of learning.  I can't believe we have almost made it through another year.

 

Our History Curriculum is "The Story of the World, Ancient Times."  Our study of Egypt included learning about the Pyramids built for the pharaohs.  We had fun learning about how the engineering and work that went into building the Pyramids as well as the mummies and treasures within.  We even made a Pyramid of our own out of Duplos.  There are lots of Pinterest boards that give great ideas and video links for this curriculum.  We also purchased an activity guide that makes teaching lots easier for mom.

A highlight for me this year was returning to my passion, preschool.  Having three very willing little students we are having lots of fun being creative.  We are learning a letter song that uses sign language and teaches the letter sounds.  We are trying to do a letter of the week but sometimes it takes us a few weeks to get through our activities.   When things get really busy, it becomes the letter of the month. 

This winter while we were trapped inside because of the cold, we used the snow as a canvas.

The letter of the week is always more fun to write in shaving cream.

For "D Week" we drove diggers in rice and painted yellow diggers that's parts actually moved by using brads.  We finished them off with their pictures in the cab to make them look like they were driving.

Another highlight for all of us this year was our Olympic Study during the Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia.  We learned about the history of the Olympics, which later tied into our history during our Ancient Greece Study.  We  learned about Russia, the Winter Olympic events, and we tracked medal winners.  We also talked about good and bad character traits of Olympians.  Bentley and Payton especially enjoyed their homework each night, which kept them up past their normal bed times watching the Olympics.
Payton especially enjoyed learning about bobsledding and it prompted him to make numerous really cool lego movies using his legos and the stop motion camera on his 3DS.  He spent hours making lego creations and movies and once again it was fun to see his learning become a part of his play.

Jackson enjoyed hearing his brother's version of his favorite stories.  My little's (and big's) love of books makes my mama and teacher's heart smile.

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With our study of Ancient Africa we learned about making Paper Bead Necklaces out of Magazines and we tried our hand at Fried Plantains.  We learned that no one here is fond of Fried Plantains but it was fun to try something new.



During our study about "The New Kingdom of Egypt," we learned about a Woman who was a Pharaoh and we built Egyptian Chariots.  We later learned about The Israelites leaving Egypt and the Plagues.  This tied into our Bible Road Trip as well.  It is fun to see our subjects overlap and come together.

Payton Enjoyed a Study of Mr. Popper's Penguins.  He learned about Mr. Popper's absent- mindedness and could totally relate!  He also did some research about penguins and was excited to continue his research at our local zoo.

We learned that Vaeh and Gracen are both close in size to an Emperor Penguin.

This is a line drawing inspired by the large Nazca Line Drawings in South America that cover hundreds of feet of earth.  Can you tell that we are discovering that we love history??








We have also enjoyed a new math program this year called Teaching Textbooks but it doesn't make for the greatest pictures.  It is computer based and saves me a ton of teaching a grading time.  Both kiddos are fairly independent and when they get a problem wrong twice, the program shows them how to solve the problem and teaches the concept again.

I had to add this one in.  Conner still attends public school and has had a great year with a wonderful teacher!  He was a musketeer in the school musical and we were so proud of his performance.  I see acting in his future.

The next few weeks will be dedicated to wrapping up our current curriculum.  We will take a few weeks off in June for  vacation and camp and then focus the rest of this summer on just a few subjects. Our musketeer will rejoin us at least for the summer months.  We are planning to cover Apologia's study of Anatomy and Physiology for Elementary students.  We will also take a break from our history series to enjoy a DVD series call Drive Thru History: The Holy Lands.  This series will overlap with some of our history as well as Bible.  For math we are going to play tons of math games to keep it fresh in our minds and have a little fun.  P.E. and nature studies will also be a big part of our summer curriculum.  To meet these requirements we will be in the pool lots and find local nature areas to explore.

" Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.  Deuteronomy 6:4-9

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Mama Needs a Social Media Time Out

My eyes pop open in the pitch dark to the sound of a toddler thumping down the stairs on her bottom.  I groggily wonder what time it is when suddenly the clock screams "six-thirty...time to get up."  It doesn't care that only an hour ago I was up nursing a teething uncomfortable little one for the third maybe fourth time (in my sleepy state I lost track).  I hurry out my bedroom door trying not to wake the baby who desperately needs a few more moments of sleep.   I have slept too long again.  If I am going to get a shower and get some breakfast on the table for all these little ones I have to hurry.  My morning starts at a dead run as the house comes alive.  You see my to do-list from the day before and the day before that and the day before that was completely unrealistic for a  mama of a still nursing sometimes fussy infant with reflux, who home-schools four of six children, is potty training two toddlers, keeping a home, cooking for eight three times a day, and on the side, for fun, climbs mountains of laundry.  It is spring break week from public school and my little man whose life revolves around a schedule is more than a little stressed out because he doesn't have one. My beloved is working extra long hours again, the weather is dreary and cold so we can't get out, and with the last ice storm came a little fender bender with a tree (to put it nicely)  that turned us into a one car family for the time being.  Sad, but many days go by where my only contact with the outside world is the mail man and social  media.  I have officially become isolated.
Many years ago, I realized that even as a part-time stay at home mom that my world can quickly become very small and my struggles very large.  Somehow you lose perspective and your life and family become the center of your universe.  That was many years and four children ago when my demands were far less than today.  Now with knowledge comes power, and just being aware that I require a reality check every now and again has helped me to keep perspective.  Until a few days ago.  I lost all perspective and suddenly something someone said to me on social media became more important and more hurtful than it should have. Between the new mama hormones and the pressures of life I still burst into tears just thinking about it.  If I can be hurt that deeply by words typed on a keyboard without looking into the eyes and the heart of the one who spoke them, I need a Social Media Time Out.
I just taught a lesson this last week in Sunday School from Max Lucado's book, You'll Get Through This. The chapter was titled "A Little Gratitude with that Attitude."  I admit right now my attitude to gratitude ratio is pretty far off.  I need to take some time and regroup.  I need more face time instead of facebook time with my peeps.  So for now I wash my hands of it, walk away, regain perspective on my life.  My goal is to hold out until Easter but my guess is that God probably has a lesson in it for me so we will see where it leads.
As for gratitude...I am thankful for my six beautiful blessings.  I am even more thankful that I am able to stay home to enjoy every moment with them.  I am thankful for the middle of the night when it is just me and that precious baby boy, all alone snuggling and snoozing.   I am thankful for a working washer and dryer and those mountains of clothes that show no one is without.  I am thankful for the job of my beloved that puts a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.  I am thankful for the hints of spring in the air and sun in the sky. I am thankful for the mailman and the relationships that go far beyond facebook.  Lastly I am thankful for time-out, the lessons it teaches, and the attitudes it changes.

Mama's Been Just A Bit Busy With Only Twenty Four Hours Left to Live

It has been a while since I last blogged but I have been just a bit busy!  Honestly thoughts come and go so quickly lately that blogging is almost impossible but my head is starting to clear and I am finally coming up for air!!
I can't believe it, Jackson will be four months old this next Monday (which reminds me I need to make an appointment for his four month check up)!  That's pretty much how my brain works these days...one thing reminds me of another until I find myself in a totally different part of the house dumbfounded.  Who was I helping?  What am I doing here?  Oh Yeah!  Anyway...  These early weeks haven't been easy.  Starting at about four weeks Jackson became a super fussy baby.  Days were rough.  Luckily he slept well at night which gave me time to recharge!  We tried everything... Zantac for reflux, gripe water to calm his gas, swaddling, changing my diet, EVERYTHING.  I thanked God every day for my big kid helpers, who helped with the other toddlers or bounced and soothed Jackson in between Math, Grammar, Spelling, History, Bible, and Science so that I could have a moment of Peace. The house was a wreck, really.   At one point I told Monte through my regular bout of evening tears, "it feels strange because he is the hardest baby ever but I don't love him any less."  At an appointment Jackson's doctor, in between screams, asked me if I was doing alright, I must have looked more than a little frazzled.  We had to leave his three week photo session with zero pictures because he screamed through the entire thing.  We couldn't go anywhere or do anything for fear he would break out in wails that we could not soothe.  I made note cards around the house and in the diaper bag to remind us of what we should check for because our brains were no longer functioning  at full capacity through the screaming (does he need a diaper, swaddled, to burp, to eat, to sleep).   Around  eight to ten weeks it just stopped.  At first I had one good day here and there until they became more and more frequent.  He went from what seemed like an impossible baby to an easy baby.   A smiling, happy sleep through the entire night at an extremely young age baby.  Finally I was able to get my head above water.  Whew.  Yes, to most I covered it well, and I didn't call for friend or family back up like I should have...that would have totally revealed the real vulnerable person behind the Super Mom Persona.  Why I really cared about that Super Mom Persona, I don't know but I guess that was all I had left.  Maybe I was terrified that we had tipped the scale from doable to impossible somewhere between child number five and child number six and people would not just think that I was insane...they might actually say it out loud.  It was during this time that I ran across a blog post where they were talking about how God never said He wouldn't give you more than you can handle because then you would never have to rely on Him.  We believe that every child is a blessing.  We know that God definitely teaches us and molds us through them.  These little blessings pretty much keep us humble and remind us that we are not in control.  God carried us through this difficult time and next time a mama says how her baby is super fussy I will get it and  lend a hand.

A few nights ago I had a dream.  I woke up in a cold sweat...God told me I had twenty four hours left to live and in my dream I couldn't figure out what to do with my final moments on earth.  I know I know kind of morbid but my mind always goes there around the end of my pregnancies and after the baby is born with all those hormones a ragin.  When I am making my freezer meals during this time, I write directions on all of them for Monte to follow so that at least my children will be well fed if I die.  What can I say it's true.  That morning I got out of bed at five a.m. and started my day off early since I couldn't sleep anyway after that.  I hoped that my dream wasn't true but I really felt at peace being home with my kiddos and spending that twenty four hours much like any other.  I stole extra hugs and cuddles and took a few more minutes to listen and talk and was definitely more intentional with my day but all in all it looked pretty much the same.  I was reminded that I am where I am supposed to be and I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.  I am a mama and a wife and if today is my last I am doing exactly what I want to be doing, wiping bottoms and noses, laughing at silly jokes, rocking and nursing my beautiful blond headed baby boy, learning alongside my babies, and lovin my crazy husband, who loves all these little people as much as i do. This is as good as it gets this side of Heaven, screaming babies and all.   AND bonus...it has been a few days and I'm still here!  Thanks God for the wake up call, I needed it.