I can't believe it, Jackson will be four months old this next Monday (which reminds me I need to make an appointment for his four month check up)! That's pretty much how my brain works these days...one thing reminds me of another until I find myself in a totally different part of the house dumbfounded. Who was I helping? What am I doing here? Oh Yeah! Anyway... These early weeks haven't been easy. Starting at about four weeks Jackson became a super fussy baby. Days were rough. Luckily he slept well at night which gave me time to recharge! We tried everything... Zantac for reflux, gripe water to calm his gas, swaddling, changing my diet, EVERYTHING. I thanked God every day for my big kid helpers, who helped with the other toddlers or bounced and soothed Jackson in between Math, Grammar, Spelling, History, Bible, and Science so that I could have a moment of Peace. The house was a wreck, really. At one point I told Monte through my regular bout of evening tears, "it feels strange because he is the hardest baby ever but I don't love him any less." At an appointment Jackson's doctor, in between screams, asked me if I was doing alright, I must have looked more than a little frazzled. We had to leave his three week photo session with zero pictures because he screamed through the entire thing. We couldn't go anywhere or do anything for fear he would break out in wails that we could not soothe. I made note cards around the house and in the diaper bag to remind us of what we should check for because our brains were no longer functioning at full capacity through the screaming (does he need a diaper, swaddled, to burp, to eat, to sleep). Around eight to ten weeks it just stopped. At first I had one good day here and there until they became more and more frequent. He went from what seemed like an impossible baby to an easy baby. A smiling, happy sleep through the entire night at an extremely young age baby. Finally I was able to get my head above water. Whew. Yes, to most I covered it well, and I didn't call for friend or family back up like I should have...that would have totally revealed the real vulnerable person behind the Super Mom Persona. Why I really cared about that Super Mom Persona, I don't know but I guess that was all I had left. Maybe I was terrified that we had tipped the scale from doable to impossible somewhere between child number five and child number six and people would not just think that I was insane...they might actually say it out loud. It was during this time that I ran across a blog post where they were talking about how God never said He wouldn't give you more than you can handle because then you would never have to rely on Him. We believe that every child is a blessing. We know that God definitely teaches us and molds us through them. These little blessings pretty much keep us humble and remind us that we are not in control. God carried us through this difficult time and next time a mama says how her baby is super fussy I will get it and lend a hand.
A few nights ago I had a dream. I woke up in a cold sweat...God told me I had twenty four hours left to live and in my dream I couldn't figure out what to do with my final moments on earth. I know I know kind of morbid but my mind always goes there around the end of my pregnancies and after the baby is born with all those hormones a ragin. When I am making my freezer meals during this time, I write directions on all of them for Monte to follow so that at least my children will be well fed if I die. What can I say it's true. That morning I got out of bed at five a.m. and started my day off early since I couldn't sleep anyway after that. I hoped that my dream wasn't true but I really felt at peace being home with my kiddos and spending that twenty four hours much like any other. I stole extra hugs and cuddles and took a few more minutes to listen and talk and was definitely more intentional with my day but all in all it looked pretty much the same. I was reminded that I am where I am supposed to be and I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am a mama and a wife and if today is my last I am doing exactly what I want to be doing, wiping bottoms and noses, laughing at silly jokes, rocking and nursing my beautiful blond headed baby boy, learning alongside my babies, and lovin my crazy husband, who loves all these little people as much as i do. This is as good as it gets this side of Heaven, screaming babies and all. AND bonus...it has been a few days and I'm still here! Thanks God for the wake up call, I needed it. 
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