May 15 commemorates in our family what some families refer to as "Gotcha Day", the day that we "got" Conner and Nevaeh. You can read about the story of that day here. I am not at all fond of the term "Gotcha Day." It feels like in some way we are saying we won. Nobody won. The truth is one mama is left with empty arms and a broken heart, one child is left aching for his mama, another so young she will never know her but will always wonder, and two parents who "gotcha" are left to pick up the pieces of broken lives. I will be the first to tell you that adoption is not an easy journey for the adoptive parent or the adopted child. When the camera is gone and the doors are closed the picture is not so perfect and often the tears flow. The tears of a child longing to return home, no matter how dysfunctional or dangerous. The tears of an intense battle in our child's minds between loyalty for what was and what is now and learning to come to terms with both. The tears of a mom who doesn't know how to help her child, stirring up deep feelings of inadequacy as a parent and as a person. Good moms protect their children from pain and heartache right? It is so different when you have walked through fire with your child rather than having met them on the other side. Somehow it seems that we have arrived to the fire too late...after they have already been burned, just in time for the huge and painful job of healing to begin. At the same time we know that had they never walked through that fire and faced that trauma, we never would have known them. We would never wish this pain on any child but we are so blessed to have them. With older children, the pain is more immediately obvious. For the little ones, it comes later and sometimes in different ways but other mamas assure me it comes.
So when do we cross over from deep trauma to true joy? I am reminded of the second half of Psalms 30:5 "Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." But when will morning come? We know that it is so different for each child, and for some, peace never comes while they are on this earth. Revelation 21:4 tells us that when we reach our Heavenly Home peace and healing will come and God will wipe away our tears. Some adoptive families say the scale slowly tips after children have been out of the trauma for more years than they have been in it. Everyone agrees there is no magic formula or time frame for healing. Some days it takes all of us. Some days it takes all of them. Some days it takes more than any of us have and we all fall apart. Yes...we ALL fall apart. We hide it well don't we? There are days, even weeks, and months when we see the dawn of the morning. Then as quietly as it came, it slips away and we are reminded that we live in a fallen world and that it is not and never will be as it should be. So for now we will take those glimpses of a beautiful sunrise and be thankful. Thankful for the healing, thankful for the mama who gave birth to them so that we could have them in our lives and in our family, thankful that they have the chance to know Jesus, and thankful for the journey that God has used and is using to profoundly change us as people and as a family. So we will celebrate adoption day quietly and carefully, knowing that the same trauma that hurt them brought them to us.
" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
I have been promising to post some of my favorite adoption resources for a long time...so here they are!
*That We Might Be Adopted has a great list of resources. The website is aimed at international adoption but I have found many of their links very helpful even though we adopted through the foster care system within the U.S.
*The Chuppies is a blog I love to follow. Be ready to cry when you read their story about adoption and be ready to laugh as you read about her kids and their antics.
*Beyond Trauma and Attachment is a very raw and real picture of adoption. These mamas honestly share their struggles and triumphs. This link will take you to one of my favorite blog posts, Loving Fiercely.
*One Thankful Mom is my favorite adoption blog. Lisa Qualls is very honest about her adoption experiences and I often can relate to her posts.
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