I Love You Birthday Boy from the Birthday Mommy!

This morning a little boy wriggled up onto my lap and snuggled in.  "I love you Birthday Boy," I said to him.  He replied "I love you more birthday mommy."  Yes, I am the birthday Mommy!  Three years ago today at 8:36 p.m. I gave birth to this tiny blessing we named Gracen.  God used his pregnancy and birth to teach us that children are a blessing and although he was not a part of our plans he was a part of God's. He reminds us to never second guess what God has in store for us and we cannot even begin to imagine our lives without him.  Gracen's name represents God's grace throughout our family journey.
I always say Gracen will make a wonderful husband some day,  if I ever let him leave home that is.  He tells me how much he loves me many times throughout the day and is quickly at my side when I need a helper.  He loves all of his brothers and sisters too and doesn't hesitate to tell them so.  He was a happy baby and is a happy kid.

Gracen LOVES tractors and Uncle Chris, who just happens to be a Combine Mechanic, invited us to visit him at work.  He got to see tractors and combines being worked on and enjoyed seeing the big tools and taking in the noises and activity of the shop.  He got to sit in tractors and even "drove" a big combine with uncle Chris.  It was the perfect day!!

Just look at that smile.  Payton on the other hand looks a bit uneasy about his little brother being behind the wheel!  Thank you to Uncle Chris for a Birthday he will never forget!

Oh...one other great thing about Gracen...he still thinks we hung the moon!  

Happy Birthday my Beautiful Boy!!

Children are a heritage from the Lord,
    offspring a reward from him.
 Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
    are children born in one’s youth.
 Blessed is the man
    whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
    when they contend with their opponents in court.

Psalm 127:3-5

"Gotcha Day"

May 15 commemorates in our family what some families refer to as "Gotcha Day", the day that we "got" Conner and Nevaeh.    You can read about the story of that day here.  I am not at all fond of the term "Gotcha Day."  It feels like in some way we are saying we won.  Nobody won.  The truth is one mama is left with empty arms and a broken heart, one child is left aching for his mama, another so young she will never know her but will always wonder, and two parents who "gotcha" are left to pick up the pieces of broken lives.  I will be the first to tell you that adoption is not an easy journey for the adoptive parent or the adopted child.  When the camera is gone and the doors are closed the picture is not so perfect and often the tears flow.  The tears of a child longing to return home, no matter how dysfunctional or dangerous.   The tears of an intense battle in our child's minds between loyalty for what was and what is now and learning to come to terms with both.  The tears of a mom who doesn't know how to help her child, stirring up deep feelings of inadequacy as a parent and as a person.  Good moms protect their children from pain and heartache right?  It is so different when you have walked through fire with your child rather than having met them on the other side.  Somehow it seems that we have arrived to the fire too late...after they have already been burned,  just in time for the huge and painful job of healing to begin.  At the same time we know that had they never walked through that fire and faced that trauma, we never would have known them.  We would never wish this pain on any child but we are so blessed to have them.  With older children, the pain is more immediately obvious.  For the little ones, it comes later and sometimes in different ways but other mamas assure me it comes.

So when do we cross over from deep trauma to true joy?  I am reminded of the second half of Psalms 30:5 "Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."   But when will morning come?  We know that it is so different for each child, and for some, peace never comes while they are on this earth.  Revelation 21:4 tells us that when we reach our Heavenly Home peace and healing will come and God will wipe away our tears.  Some adoptive families say the scale slowly tips after children have been out of the trauma for more years than they have been in it.  Everyone agrees there is no magic formula or time frame for healing.  Some days it takes all of us.  Some days it takes all of them.  Some days it takes more than any of us have and we all fall apart.  Yes...we ALL fall apart.  We hide it well don't we?  There are days, even weeks, and months when we see the dawn of the morning.  Then as quietly as it came, it slips away and we are reminded that we live in a fallen world and that it is not and never will be as it should be.  So for now we will take those glimpses of a beautiful sunrise and be thankful.  Thankful for the healing, thankful for the mama who gave birth to them so that we could have them in our lives and in our family, thankful that they have the chance to know Jesus, and thankful for the journey that God has used and is using to profoundly change us as people and as a family.  So we will celebrate adoption day quietly and carefully, knowing that the same trauma that hurt them brought them to us.

" For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

I have been promising to post some of my favorite adoption resources for a long time...so here they are! 

*That We Might Be Adopted has a great list of resources.  The website is aimed at international adoption but I have found many of their links very helpful even though we adopted through the foster care system within the U.S.

*The Chuppies is a blog I love to follow.  Be ready to cry when you read their story about adoption and be ready to laugh as you read about her kids and their antics.

*Beyond Trauma and Attachment is a very raw and real picture of adoption.  These mamas honestly share their struggles and triumphs.  This link will take you to one of my favorite blog posts, Loving Fiercely. 

*One Thankful Mom is my favorite adoption blog.  Lisa Qualls is very honest about her adoption experiences and I often can relate to her posts.

Happy Birthday Bean Le Bean the Birthday Queen!

Three Years, 8 months, and 16 days ago today we were handed this tiny bundle of joy.  At that time we did not know what the future held or how long we would hold her in our arms.  Today we celebrate her fourth birthday and are proud to be her mom and dad.  She has bloomed into a beautiful little lady that has captured our hearts and those of everyone she meets.  Her smile and flare for drama are contagious and not a day goes by when she doesn't have us all cracking up over something she does or says.

A little known fact about Vaeh is that her favorite animal is a buffalo.  Yes a buffalo.  She is posing at the zoo in front of them but they are way in the back of their pen lounging in the sun.

Vaeh LOVES cake.  She declared that for her birthday supper she wanted cake and cheese puffs.  Luckily later she added in chicken nuggets and mac and cheese to give the meal more substance (or something like that).

Each year on each of the kids' birthdays we take a picture with just mom and dad.

She has always had amazing balance and rides her siblings scooters like a pro.  For her birthday she got a tricked out hot pink razor scooter with tassels and a bell.  To top it off, a pink bike helmet complete with a tiara and jewel accessories.  She was pleased!

Happy Birthday to our very special Bean Le Bean, the Birthday Queen!!

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:13-16

Happy Eleventh Birthday Payton

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAYTON!!

 Tonight at 8:25p.m. my Payton turned eleven.  Even though he is child number two of six, he will always be my baby.  For many years he was my youngest.  I cherish our long conversations that we have shared over the years, almost since he has been able to talk.  He is a young man of many thoughts and many words and he wears his heart on his sleeve.  He certainly makes it clear that he loves his mama and I couldn't be more blessed than to be able to spend my days with him. 

 Payton adores his baby brothers, almost as much as they adore him.  Gracen is his buddy, at his side constantly, and Payton takes it in stride, teaching him everything he knows.

Happy Birthday Payton!  We love you and hope you had a wonderful day!