I Love My Kids More Than Homeschooling

This morning feels strange.  I packed up school supplies in a backpack and sent our seven year old off to public school.  Yesterday we met his teacher and saw his new class.  He bravely told me "mom it will feel weird at first and than after a few days it will be fun."  He has always been the bravest kid I know.

We homeschool...it has become part our identity as a family and part of my identity as a mom.  I do not believe that homeschooling is for everyone and I don't have anything against public school so why did this seem like such a hard decision?   Part of the reason that we wanted to homeschool was to become a more cohesive family after the adoption of two of our children in May of 2012.  Last year had its ups and downs but the academic part of homeschooling was actually easier than I thought it would be.  We had fun spending relaxed days learning and exploring together.  We had some intense emotional days of healing after the adoption of our little guy but we managed.  We revisited the plan to homeschool this year and we all agreed...we loved it and desperately wanted to continue.

As we got back into the full swing of school I began to realize that I was asking too much of our seven year old.  Too much of me and too much of him.  By asking him to be with us 24/7 I am asking him to do hard healing work without any emotional breaks.  I am being selfish.  I want him here with us...I want him to be one of us.  But in the process of trying to include him, I am asking him to work very very hard at keeping his big feelings under control and be a part of a family without creating chaos.  I am asking him to go from a home with very little attention to a home with lots and lots of attention and not go on overload.  Before he came to us, home wasn't always a safe place, but school was and those feelings don't just disappear.  After much prayers, some tears, and lots of talking we decided that this was best for him and for us.  We need peace in our home, he needs a break from us, and we need to be emotionally available for him instead of emotionally exhausted.  That is not possible 24/7.

So I swallow my pride as a homeschool mama and I look at the needs of each individual child and realize that I can't heal him...in fact maybe I am hurting him.  We will revisit this again in time but for now this is best for everyone.  I love my kids more than I love homeschooling.  For the other children I will continue and I will be ready for him to come back home with us for school if that is what is best for him, but for now I send my brave little boy back to school and let go of a piece of a who I am so that he can heal.  We will miss him today and I hope and pray that he is having a great day!