In God's Will is Not Always the Easiest Place to Be

My blogging has been a bit infrequent for a while and I really miss it.  Blogging is like keeping a journal often celebrating the triumphs of our family or our homeschooling.  But I have been consumed by things that I don't know how or if I want to share but somehow I feel the need to free my heart.  I have written this post four times, each time erasing or leaving it in my drafts box.  It is just too raw and painful.  When we are further on the other side I hope that I can share more about the journey and what we have learned.

Looking at our family from the outside in it appears that we have it all together. We have all of our five little ducklings in a row walking through the hall at church and out and about. They are polite, well behaved (most of the time), and we generally appear to have it all under control. Yes we struggle with the same behaviors everyone else does at certain times in each child's life but you would think that with child number six on the way, we would about have this parenting thing licked. Dear friends you are sorely mistaken. When we fostered and eventually adopted the parenting rug was pulled out from under us. The rules were changed. Things that are supposed to work, that have worked for us in the past, don't work for our children who have experienced trauma in their past and now loss and no one seems to have the magic answer to helping our children heal.  We struggle daily running different sets of rules and guidelines for different children to meet everyone's needs to feel safe and to keep peace in our home.  Some days it is exhausting and some days I fail miserably trying to help repair or minimize the damage that I did not do.  We are making slow but steady progress but the learning curve seems very steep.
God spent some time working on me this past week.  We hit what felt like rock bottom and sometimes that is what it takes to make a change.  I realized that no matter what kind of day anyone else is having I can only control me and sometimes I didn't feel very in control.  Now pregnancy hormones do not help this any, but that is no excuse...I just have to work harder.  God has placed some wonderful adoptive mommas in my path this week and I have been given hope and I have realized that I am not alone with my struggle or my feelings.  I have to be realistic and realize that there will be days that I cannot humanly meet my children's emotional needs but I can meet their physical needs with as much kindness and love as I can muster and God will have to take care of the rest.
All of our children are such a blessing to our family and I know that we were the ones that signed up for this.   Life may have been easier the way it was but it was also emptier and in God's Will is the best (not always the easiest) place to be. I know that God brought us on this journey and he will bring us through as His family.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11